Dream Walking in Deserts
by xPhineasx
Summary: "Take my hand." Regulus, you're like Peter Pan, teaching Wendy how to fly. Regulus takes Sirius and James Dream walking. It's not real. It's just a dream. But the waking world is too complicated. James/Regulus
1. Chapter 1

This fic was inspired by the movie Inception, and my own road trip from Austin, Texas, to Albuquerque, New Mexico. So get ready for a heaping dose of dreams and deserts.

There will be three chapters for the this. The second chapter is nearly finished now, so you won't have to wait long.

X x x x x x x x x

Dream Walking

x x x x x x x x x x x

_Where do you go when you sleep, little brother? You sleep so deeply, like the dead. I can never wake you. You say you go to the place where the land bucks and crumbles against the sky so blue it hurts your eyes. You say the lightning flashes like tongues of fire in the warm rain , filling bone dry gullies. I wish I could follow you there. It sounds magical._

_ "Take my hand." Regulus, you're like Peter Pan, teaching Wendy how to fly. You pull me into bed and lay your head on my chest and tell me to go to sleep. You promise to take me anywhere. You promise to show me the world. You promise me that I'll love it. _

"What is this place?" Sirius asked. The sun beat down on them, burning above the far off clouds, pulling sweat from their skin. The earth was a dull brown, dotted with scraggly desert plants, close to the ground with small leaves and spiny bark. The cactus, some flat and low, others tall and skinny, but all equally mean looking, were past blooming for the year, their coveted fruits still berry purple hidden in nests of thorns. Far off storm clouds rolled among the mountain peaks.

"The Davis Mountains." Regulus replied. "In West Texas, America. There's a storm coming." He looked at peace, his eyes the far off color of the sky.

"This is a dream?" Sirius knew it was. If he concentrated, he could feel the slightest hint of his brother's bedsheets on his bare arms, but it felt too real.

"This is my dream space, yes." Regulus said and sat on a dusty boulder.

"It's beautiful." They fell into silence. They hadn't spoken much in the last few months, avoiding each other at school. Sirius didn't want his friends to see his little brother, a perfect little pure blood, with his short hair and solemn eyes. Regulus didn't want his friends to see his older brother, a rebel and a blood traitor, long hair to his shoulders.

They avoided each other at home. No one talked to each other at home anymore. They used to be close. They used to curl up in bed together and whisper fairy tales to each other in the dark.

"We fell apart because of school, didn't we?" Sirius sighed, sitting next to Regulus. At 16, Sirius found himself falling into somber moods often. "Like our tensions at home got all mixed up in the Slytherin and Gryffindor thing..." He muttered. "We always fight. Grades, Quidditch, pranks. Everything is a competition between us."

Sirius turned when he heard the rattle. A boulder,a few yards away, melted into a rattle snake. Huge, nearly 6 feet long, it was poised to strike. It wiped to life out of the rock, venom dripping its fangs. A growl erupted from behind them. A cougar, a mountain lion the size of a tiger, snarled past them at the snake.

"Sirius." Regulus sighed. "Please be careful not to manipulate the dream." He said. "The dream space is very open to suggestion." He didn't seem nearly as worried about the aggressive wildlife as Sirius was.

"You're saying the snake and the mountain cat are my fault?" Sirius said, inching closer to his calmer little brother.

"Yes." Regulus said. "The cougar and the rattlesnake are the closest this habitat has to lions and serpents. By talking about the conflict between our houses, you've triggered the dream space into personifying it." He sighed and stared at the two animals as the cougar leaped at the snake, pushing both over the cliff. " Please refrain from doing that," Regulus continued. " The more you manipulate this reality without my, the dreamer's, consent, the less lucid the dream becomes. I could loose control. Anything could happen then." He explained.

Sirius watched the animals fall and bit his lip. "Yikes, Reggie."

Regulus laughed then. Sirius's heart fluttered. It had been years since he heard Regulus laugh openly. Regulus held out his hand to him. "Well, come on Sirius. Just...keep your mouth shut, and I'll show you around. The Davis Mountains is one of my favorites. Maybe if you're good, we can go to the Grand Canyon next."

_The Regulus in the dream world feels like a different person than the Regulus in the real world. You're so much happier in the dreams, like you aren't angry at me, like I never hurt you, like nothing ever hurts you. You point out all the plants, all the animals, all the clouds in your dreams. You show me the places you've read about, places you've seen pictures of, places you want to go some day. It's like you trust me again. _

_ I feel like an addict. I sleep better when I'm curled up with you, off on your adventures. You can do anything. You can turn pebbles into butterflies in your palm, and fall into the sky like it's an ocean. You can even smile again. For the first time since I turned 11, I never want this summer to end._

Sirius's eyes fluttered open. The grass beneath him was rough and thin, but bright red and blue flowers bloomed around him like little sunbursts. "America again?" He asks.

"There's something romantic about the South West." Regulus said next to him Sirius's rough fingers found him, curling around his soft hands. "Though this is central Texas. See? Indian Blankets and Blue Bonnets. Aren't they pretty?" His voice was dreamy and smooth, happy.

They laid in the sun together and Regulus made pictures in the clouds. He manipulated the dream space subtly, playing out old fairy tales in the cumulus above them. Sirius had learned not to speak. His words could shift the dream as well, away from Regulus. It weakened the control. Regulus told him that without control, he had nightmares. Sirius doesn't want to see what could scare his stoic little brother. Regulus isn't even afraid of their mother anymore. If Mother doesn't scare him, Sirius doesn't want to see what does.

"Vacation is nearly over." Regulus said, the clouds blooming into flowers above them. Sirius sighed. He missed Remus. He missed James drooling over Lily. He even found himself missing Peter. But he couldn't see himself sneaking into the Slytherin common room to curl up with his little brother, even for their dreaming. It's a sad thought. Regulus can take him dreaming even if they aren't in the same bed, but it isn't the same. "I'll miss you too." Regulus whispered, knowing his brother's thoughts.

_ In the real world, we still don't talk. It's hard at school. I want to go dream walking with you more, but you don't even look at me in the halls. How can I ask you if you won't talk to me?_

_ I've told James about it. You should have seen his eyes Reg. He wants to try it too, over Christmas break. I'm selfish. _

_ When you were young you would follow James around like a dog, begging for a bone. James taught you how to fly on a broom, how to climb trees. I love James. He's my best friend. But I don't want to share you with him again._

"This is amazing!" James explains, spinning around. They were in a cave. The dim light bounced off the dripping stones. James's voice carried through the cavern. Tiny soda straws, bubbly popcorn and huge think towers of rock glinted in the dark. "And you've never been here in person?" He asked.

"Just seen pictures of it." Regulus said calmly. Sirius was sitting on a rock nearby, watching his brother beam under James's attention. "Our uncle gave us a book of glossy muggle photos of the National Parks of America last Christmas. It's a secret of course. And disgraceful to have in the house." Sirius snorted at that. "But I liked the pictures of Carlsbad Caverns."

Sirius watched them carefully. James had been so eager to try dream walking that he had put aside all his grudges against Regulus, from his Slytherin-ness to his way-too-good-for -a-third-year-at-Quidditch-ness. Regulus was acting like there had never been a grudge to begin with. He stared at James like he used to, when they were young, when James was still his hero. Maybe it had been a mistake to bring James here. Dream walking with Regulus had been their brother bonding thing. Once again James had found his way into the circle and, though it had been with Sirius's permission both times, it still felt like an invasion.

"It's bloody brilliant, Reg." James nodded, rocking back and forth. "Let's explore!" He laughed and took off at a jog down the slippery stones.

Regulus turned, his face catching the light that emanated from the ground. He held out his hand to Sirius and smiled. "Come on, Sirius." He said. "I can't leave you here and let James wander off. If I don't keep an eye on you both we could have mole people attacking for all I know."

Sirius sighed and took Regulus's hand. The cave was amazing. The ceiling stretched up into the darkness, the cavern went on forever. The stone dripped into fairy tale castles and hobbit holes, little lakes with stone lily pads glittered under high off limestone chandeliers. The brothers kept their hands clasped together, with James Potter leading the expedition fearlessly.

He glanced over at Regulus. His eyes were a little glazed, staring around at everything happily. "Reggie?" Sirius whispered. "How did you learn to do this?"

Regulus looked at him and shrugged "I've always been able to have lucid dreams, where I know I'm dreaming and I can control it. Severus taught me the occlumency. And I just sort of...mixed them together. Lucid dreaming with passengers."

"Snivilus?" James laughed from the rock above them. "I guess he's good for something after all." James messed up his hair again and readjusted his glasses.

"Hard to believe we're in your bedroom at your parents place right now." He said to Sirius. "This has to be the coolest magic ever. Thanks for letting me tag along."

Sirius couldn't stay mad at James. If he had to loose Regulus to keep his best friend, he would keep James. The thought made him sad, but it was true.

_I'm leaving, Regulus. I can't stand it here anymore. I'm dying, drowning. If father hits me one more time, I'm going to break. I can't even tell you in person. We only talk in the dreams now. I go to your room wordlessly, lay beside you and curl up on your chest, like you're the older brother. You look at me and shake your head, lay on your pillow and close your eyes. When we wake up, I'm gone, back to my room like it never happened. _

_ How can I tell you I'm leaving? _

The smell of seaweed was strong and heavy in the air. The waves were dark brown with sand, crashing over the seaweed spotted beach, sea gulls high above.

Regulus sat above the tide, building sand castles like he used to when they were children. Handful by handful he would layer slabs of the wet sand into dribble towers, simple, childish and yet compelling. Sirius closed his eyes.

"Where are we this time?" Sirius asked, his feet buried in the dirty sand. "This is a pretty pathetic little beach."

"Port Aransas.,Texas. I like it. It looks much more natural than those pretty white beaches that all the spring break tourists go to. It feels real." Regulus explained, placing a broken shell on top of his tallest dribble tower like a crown. "Why? Are you getting tired of the South West?"

Sirius shook his head and stared out at sea. "I dont think I could ever get tired of these dreams." He sighed and laid on his back, up at the gray blue sky. "I wish we could stay here forever." He muttered. "The waking world sucks."

James had gone back to his parents house, writing him letter every day: telling him to run away, not to let his father hit him again, that things would be ok, that they already had the guest bedroom set up for him.

Regulus chuckled, rubbing his thumb over a soft spot in the sand, drawing a crab out of hiding. "In the waking world we have responsibilities." He said.

Regulus shrugged and looked down at his feet nervously, his cheeks tinted red. "Sirius...do you think...James will want to dream walk with me again?" He asked.

Sirius closed his eyes. "I don't know Reg." He said softly. I'm leaving tonight, he wanted to say. _James told his parents about the bruises. They said I could live with them. _

He looked over at Regulus, building his sand castles on a beach he'd only seen pictures of somewhere.

_I'm a terrible person, Reggie. And a coward. I can't tell you I'm leaving, but this is the last night I'll spend in this house. James will be here soon on the Night Bus to take me away._

Regulus willed another wave to fill his small moat in the sand as he started another castle. Little sand fairies, born from his brother's imagination perched on the sandy spindles and watched as their city grew.

_ What ever happens in your dreams can't touch me anymore. I'll try to find you at school. I'll try to explain what happened. I don't want to give up the dreams, but I know I have to. _

"Everything's falling apart." Sirius whispered, too low to be heard.

_ I'm so selfish._

A wave crashed against the sand castles, knocking down the smaller ones. Regulus turned to stare at him, accusing.

_ Sorry._

_ Merry Christmas. _


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter 2. There's a lot less Sirius in this chapter, so all you Sirius fans, I'm sorry. Still, enjoy this one.

Chapter 3 is in the works, and it should be the final chapter.

_X x x x x x x x x _

_ You drive me fucking crazy, Regulus Black. Stone eyes and that damnable snarl of yours; you are beautiful, and you've avoided me like the plague since your brother ran away from home. I know you miss Sirius. He misses you too. He misses the dreams. You'd call me a liar, but you haven't seen the way he stares at you when your back is turned. _

_ All spring semester you turned on your snappy little heels and strutted away whenever I was in the same hallway as you. All summer Sirius ignored your letters. It's killing me. It's fucking killing me. _

_ You've spoken to us one time since Sirius ran away Christmas holiday. The last day of school you found us on the platform while we waited for my parents to show up. You walked up in your slick robe that made you look like a damn rock star and took Sirius's hands in yours and said just two words. "Come home." He said no. You gave me this look then, like you wanted me to do something. I just have no idea what. I have no idea what you want from me._

_ You're god damn beautiful, Regulus Black, but you drive me crazy._

"The Southwest again, I see. Sirius said it was your favorite." James said, leaning against a dull pink granite boulder.

Regulus nodded mutely, sitting on top of the boulder, looking out across the plains. They were on top of a mountain, with a huge expanse of desert rolled out beneath them like a blanket. A few hills here and there until another mountain range dove into the sky at the horizon. The high altitude allowed for thick evergreens and leafy flowers to bloom at the Mountains summit. A few butterflies floated past Regulus lazily. "It's call Sandia Peak." He muttered.

"I'm glad you answered my owl, Reg." James said, looking up at him. He hadn't expected Regulus to respond to his owl."You're mad at me, aren't you?"

"You convinced my brother to run away from home. What do you think?" Regulus asked, still staring out over the plains, thousands of feet below them. A few storm clouds began to build over the mountain, feeding off Regulus's mood.

"Then why did you agree to take me here? Into the dream space?" James asked. Meeting in dreams was easier, that was true. When he started, Regulus could barely manage to take Sirius and James dreaming if they were in the room over, but now Regulus could take anyone sleeping within 10 kilometers of him into a dream. It was much simpler to find a bed within 10 kilometers of the boy than meeting him in person, but that didn't explain why he agreed at all.

"It's been a hard summer, James." Regulus whispered. "Now that Sirius is gone."

James looked up at Regulus, silhouetted against the dying pine trees behind him. His eyes were so far away, like an Angel fallen from grace. James felt his heart twist. Here was this boy, this beautiful, fucked up boy, hurting because of him. Regulus always inspired a confusing rush of emotions in him, he always had. The boy had been a beautiful, but untouchable, child, his best friend's little brother. His politics were screwed up, but underneath it all, James didn't see him as a slytherin or a pure blood or a prat. He was just Regulus Black, whatever that meant. Politics didn't really matter.

"Reggie. Your brother misses you." James whispered, looking up at him. "You know you can run too." He said. "Come with me. Run away. There's another spare bed in my parents house."

Regulus laughed harshly, shaking his head. "James, I can't." He said. "I'm all my parents have left. Just...leave it at that, ok?" He stood up and looked down at James, his hair catching in the wind. "Tell Sirius I miss him." He said softly. "Tell him that I will be strong where he was weak. I won't let our family break me, the way it broke him." He smirked, a dangerous, gorgeous, scary smirk. James knew he had been underestimating him.

_You are a study in contradictions and paradoxes, Regulus. You're 15 now, and your eyes burn. I want to save you, but you don't want saving. You looked so scared and so weak that night Sirius ran away, standing in the door way as he and I threw his trunk in the back of the Night Bus. Every day now you look stronger, more twisted. I don't know what's happening to you, but I can't look away._

_ I've always been drawn to beautiful things and things that need to be saved. Lily is beautiful, Sirius and Remus and Peter all needed me to save them from themselves. You Regulus, you are both. I can't say no when you ask to go dream walking with me. _

_ Sirius doesn't know. Sirius doesn't talk about you anymore. I think it's just too painful for him._

_ I have no idea how you feel about me. You never turn around in the hallway when I walk past, but you never turn me down when I ask to go dreaming with you. I don't understand you. _

_ Whatever you are, Regulus, I can't leave you alone. _

Three large catfish, as big as actual cats, swam around Regulus's feet as he sat at the edge of the pool. Mountains rose in the distance around them. Regulus had on a loose white buttoned shirt and rolled up pants, looking more gorgeous than ever.

"Merry Christmas." James said, sitting next to him, hugging his knees. "You going to be ok, when you go home for break?" He asked.

"As I've told you before James, I can handle my home life." Regulus told him, smiling as one of the catfish nibbled on his toes. Hummingbirds zipped around them.

"My offer still stands." James told him, reaching over and brushing a strand of hair out of his face. "You can run away with me."

"As you've reminded me nearly every time I've seen you in the past year. I'm still not running. I can handle it." Regulus told him sternly, turning a light shade of pink that James loved.

_I know what Sirius meant when he told me he felt addicted to you, Regulus. Going all of Christmas break without your dreams was tough. I spent half my time trying to figure out a way to get within that magic 10 kilometers from your house, some excuse that would send me to London for at least a night so I can be near you. What will I do when I graduate in the spring? _

"Happy Birthday." James said, smiling in the sun. "How have you been? It's been a few weeks."

"Fine." Regulus said, sounding oddly sullen for a boy who was celebrating his 16th birthday that night.

" I heard Lily Evans finally agreed to go on a date with you." Regulus snorted after a few seconds of silence, not looking at him.

They were surrounded be Oak Trees, twisting towards the sun. The ground they sat on was a blanket of dead leaves and mountain laurels. A small family of deer wandered near them. By the look on Regulus's face, he hadn't planned for them to be there. James knew it must have been the mention of Lily that triggered the change in the dream space.

James laughed. "Well, yeah." He said. "About time, too. That girl is stubborn." He said and looked over at Regulus. The look on his face caught him off guard. Regulus was staring at his feet, scowling. "Reggie?"

Regulus turned a deep shade of red. "Don't call me that."

"Are you jealous?" James asked, joking. Regulus, unexpectedly, turned an even deeper shade of red.

Regulus stood up and walked over to one of the oak trees and pulled himself up onto a higher branch. "Don't be stupid, James." He said. "I don't fancy Evans." One of the female deer in the nearby group snorted and took off at a run.

James rolled his eyes and let it go. "Hey Regulus. Now you're as old as Sirius was when he left." He called up to him. "Run away with me."

Regulus shook his head and looked down at him smiling ever so slightly. "No."

_I don't understand you Regulus. In the real world, you slink around the castle in your fancy-ass shoes, cut off from everyone and everything thing. You are untouchable. But in the dreams you climb __trees and tell me to catch you when you jump. You call Eagles to your hand and smile at me. _

_ I asked you why, when you could take us anywhere, to different planets, or the bottom of the ocean or places that never existed, why you take us to normal places. To America. "Because they are far away, but someday, I'll really go there." You say, and smirk. _

_ Smirking, smiling, scowling, your eyes always burn, Regulus. What are you doing to me? _

The desert spread out beneath them like a painting for miles and miles. Regulus stood at the edge of their plateau, facing the setting sun. "Only a week until you graduate." He said, the orange light catching his hair.

"Are you going to be ok?" James asked, walking up behind him. The sunset burned purple around the edges, the other plateaus black against the red sky. Regulus must have seen it on a postcard.

Regulus turned around to face him, that damnable smirk playing on his lips. He reached up and grabbed James's tie roughly, pulling the slightly taller boy down a little. "Ask me to run away with you again."

James felt oddly unsure of himself. "Run away with me?" He said softly.

"No." Regulus said firmly, smirking like the devil with the red sun in his hair. "I'm not as weak as you think I am, James. I'm more..." He tugged on the tie again. "Slytherin, than you seem to think I am." He stared up at him like he was so damn sure of himself.

"I know." James breathed. "You drive me crazy." He said and slid his arm around Regulus's waist. "Hogsmead is less than 10 kilometers from the castle, right?"

"Yes." Regulus replied, his hands still clinging to the older boy's neck tie.

"Then I'll see you next year. As often as I can." James whispered and pressed his lips against Regulus's as the sun finally dipped beneath the horizon.

_There's a war coming, Regulus, but when I'm near you, I forget that. I'm living with Lily now, helping Remus pay his bills because he can't find work, and working for the Order. It's a stressful life, but it's good. I forget that when I'm near you. Your smile makes me dizzy. I haven't told Sirius a thing about us. I haven't told anyone. _

_ But I'm not really cheating, you tell me as you run your chilled fingers in my hair. It's just a dream. It's not cheating if it's a dream. _

Regulus was sitting on a park bench underneath an Oak tree, the thick yellow pollen floating around him like snow. A small, Elephant Ear chocked lake spread out in front of him, dotted by ducks and a few fierce looking geese.

James sat on the back of the bench, his feet on the seat next to Regulus, watching the sun rise. "Texas again?" He groaned playfully.

Regulus rolled his eyes. "You have a better idea?" He asked, his right hand absently playing with James's shoelaces.

James jumped to the ground and held out his hand. "Let's go dancing." He said, pulling Regulus to his feet.

"W-what?" Regulus said.

"I'll take you dancing. And then," He pulled Regulus close. "Maybe we'll take a pit stop at Gryffindor tower. It's a dream Reggie, let's enjoy it."

"I don't...I've never been in Gryffindor tower." Regulus said, blushing. The park began to grow fuzzier, starting to change.

"Well, I obviously have," James laughed. "Dancing first though." The dream was spinning away from Regulus. "A great big hall, with chandeliers and white gloves and swell music." James was saying, twisting the dream space.

"James, if you don't stop, I'll loose control of the dream." Regulus said weakly. Violins started playing behind them.

"Then loose control." James whispered in his ear. "It's just a dream."

_Time means so little to me anymore. The real world, all my time spent with friends, all my time with Lily all blurs together when I'm dreaming with you, Reg. You've kissed me beneath the Eiffel Tower, in the Slytherin common room, on a cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico. I've lost count of all the places we've been. It's nearly Christmas again. _

_ You're haunting me._

_ You showed up in the rain the other day, dripping wet, looking broken. "I'm not running away." You said quickly. It was the first time I'd seen you in the real world since I left Hogwarts. "I'm going home in the morning, I swear. I just..." You trailed off. Sirius rushed forward and grabbed your arm hard. _

_ How did he know? How did he know that when he pushed your sleeve up, he'd find that horrible mark on your arm? I thought you were going to cry when Sirius started yelling at you. I didn't expect you to yell back. To tell him that choices had to be made. That Sirius chose to run away and you chose to be the man you had to be. That Sirius was an idiot, abandoning your family so he could run off and shag a werewolf like a damned disgrace. If Remus hadn't been there to hold Sirius back, he probably would have broken your nose._

_ On your way out the door you gave me that look again, like you wanted something from me._

_ I know exactly what it is. _

_ How dare you. _

Lightening crashed around them. Regulus stood with his back to a large glass window. The dream space seemed shaky, ready to shatter into a nightmare. 

"James." He chocked out, clutching his arm where the mark was protectively.

"I didn't know you could force me into a dream. Don't you need permission or something?" James said, snarling. "I thought I could at least have a night to figure out how fucking mad I am at you."

"James please." Regulus said softly. "I don't want to fight."

"Then what do you want?" James demanded. "To come here and tell me how fucking stupid you are?" He shouted. "That you made a horrible fucking mistake?"

" I don't...look, I believe in this. Like you believe in your dumb Order stuff. I don't regret this." He sounded strained, like he was trying to convince himself. "But it's just politics, James." Regulus was tugging at his own hair nervously. James wondered how long Regulus had waited for him to fall asleep so he could talk to him.

" I just wanted to see you." Regulus continued. " I didn't know Sirius would be there." He rushed, stumbling towards him. "I shouldn't have tried to see you outside the dreams." He said, grabbing onto the front of his shirt. "I just feel...a little overwhelmed."

"Regulus..." James said softly, brushing Regulus's hair out of his face. Regulus had joined the death eaters. Regulus believed that crap too. He had told Sirius that, shouting that he wouldn't stand by while the Muggles snuffed the magical world into oblivion with witch hunts and fear. It made James sick, but... _But...You are so fucking beautiful._ "Run away with me."

"Too late. I can't run." Regulus whispered. "Tell me you can keep dreaming though. Tell me you won't stop seeing me." The desperation was bleak in his voice. Thunder shook the windows of the room.

_ What am I supposed to say? Fuck you, never talk to me again, you stupid, horrible person? Death Eater? You stand there, rain pouring behind you, with those burning, burning eyes and you look like you're about to break. You need me, and you're beautiful and I want to see you smile. _

_ How could I say no to you, Regulus?_

"Reggie." James said, hugging him tightly. "Sure." He promised. "It's all just politics, right?"

_ How are you make me feel this way. _

Regulus smiled weaskly at him, tugging on his tie. "If you can ignore my Dark Mark, I'll ignore your Order of the Pheonix tags. Things don't have to change between us. It's just a dream." He said and gave a weak smile. "Deal?"

_ You drive me fucking crazy. _

"Deal."


	3. Chapter 3

So here it is, the final chapter. Sorry it took so long to get to you. Best of luck with it.

Also fun fact: Little Lion Man by Mumford and Son's is the perfect song for James and Regulus.

X x x x x x x

_ There are fish that live at the bottom of the ocean that make little lights in the all consuming darkness. They flash those little lights like candles in a storm, drawing smaller fish to them, and the little fish feel like they are being saved just as they are eaten. Some times I think you're like those fish, James. I'm hypnotized by you, the only little light in this world full of crushing darkness. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true._

_ My father is dead, my mother is loosing her mind, my brother has left me and every day I wear the Dark Lords brand on my arm and every day I'm more and more worried that I made a mistake. These are my weak and private thoughts. _

_ Every few weeks I get your letters, with your messy script telling me that you're at the Hogs Head Inn that night and I instantly get rush of relief. Your smile could melt the ice caps, James. I'm worried that you're too good to be true. I'm worried that you'll eat my heart. _

James's hair spread out on the thick rug like a halo above his head. Regulus was idly tracing his fingers along his bare chest, the fire light dancing across their skin. Neither of them spoke.

The fireplace was lined with stone, burning bright and warm. The rest of the room was wood except for the floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the ocean, still in the dim moon light. It was a place James had dreamed up, tugging at the dream space until it was just perfect.

With anyone else, changing the dream space threatened to pull Regulus into nightmares, but James was strong enough to keep the dream coherent on his own. It only added to James's charm.

"You're quiet." Regulus said softly. It was rare for James to be so silent, always filling the conversation with idle chit chat that Regulus had never really managed to imitate.

"I don't want to talk about it, Reg." James replied, his fingers running through Regulus's hair.

"Order business." Regulus said softly and let out a sigh. James nodded mutely. "Then let's forget it." He pulled himself up even with James's face and kissed him softly. "We don't think about Order business in my dreams. Remember?"

"I remember." James said softly.

_I don't want to be in love with you James. You're with that Evans girl, you're my brother's best friend, you're an Order member, naïve and trusting and noble to a fault. You've never said you love me. I've never said I love you. We are not "in love". Yet I do love you._

_ I wonder if you realize how much you mean to me. No one else can control the dreams like you can, and I think it's probably because even when you aren't here, I dream about you anyway._

"I'm sending you a present, by the way." Regulus said. "You'll get it in a day or so." He was sitting with his back against the railing of a rundown sun deck, an ocean of glittering city lights sparkling below them. They were at the highest point of the neighborhood, gnarled oak trees clawing at the bleached out summer stars.

" Present?" James said, sitting on top of the railing, looking down at Regulus. "What for?"

"Do I need a reason?" Regulus huffed, blushing. He pulled a small ring out of his pocket and handed it up to James. The white gold was inset with a single diamond, the band inscribed with a single curling R. "You'll get the real one by Owl."

"Is this...your family ring?" James asked, surprised.

"Yes. The diamond will stay clear as long as I'm in good health. Red means I'm sick or in danger. Black means I'm dead. If you're my brother and you get disowned from the family the Diamond turns to graphite." Regulus explained.

"That's rather morbid, Reggie." James said, his fingers curling around the ring.

Regulus shrugged. "Well, this way if I stop answering your owls, you'll know whether I'm dead or just ignoring you." He smirked.

"Like I said." James snorted and hopped off the railing. "Morbid." He grinned and grabbed Regulus by the arm, pulling him up and into a kiss. "I'll have to hide this from Sirius." He laughed.

_I used to believe in all the propaganda and ideologies my parents shoved on me, James. I used to eat it up. Yes, I am special by blood. Yes, those people who burned our ancestors, those ridiculous ignorant muggles, were below me. Yes, I should do the family proud, because I was Regulus, the Little King. You were just a stupid, albeit charming and beautiful blood traitor who didn't know any better._

_ Maybe I was wrong._

_ Sirius saw the darkness in me James. He saw it and it drove him away. He's given up on me now and it hurts so damn much. I miss my brother. We fell apart. I'm worried that, even when things are good between us, that we're falling apart too. You'll see in darkness in me eventually and it will drive you away. I'm terrified. _

They were walking down a dusty road in the shadow of a mountain, elephant gourds and Yucca plants growing in the ruts on either side.

"Where will this road lead?" James asked, absently wiping a bit of dirt off his glasses. He seemed distracted.

"It leads to a smaller hiking trail that heads towards the top of the mountain." Regulus said as he kicked a rock a head of him. "My uncle went on vacation here. Along with some pictures, he sent a map of the hiking trails." He explained and looked over at James.

He found it hard to look away. James, with his thin face and messy black hair and those deep brown eyes and the fluid way in which he walked and how his glasses always sat just a little lop sided on his face and his smile, (yes, mostly his smile), made his heart squirm. Each thing by itself rather common place, but together impossible to turn away from. Regulus always found himself, for lack of a better word and at risk of sounding terribly corny, absolutely captivated by him. Today though that smile, the icing on the cake, was missing.

"...you're upset today." Regulus noted, looking back at the road ahead of them. "I thought we agreed not to dwell on Order business here."

James scowled. "I'm trying Reg." He muttered. "But two of my friends got murdered yesterday. Forgive me for being damn sullen."

"If it makes you feel better," Regulus added. "some of my friends died yesterday too. Those Prewett brothers were nasty fighters."

"And now they're dead." James snapped. "And there aren't even bodies to bury." He shoved his hands in his pockets the way he did when he was upset and sat down, willing a chair to mold itself out of the rocks in the dream space. "And why would that make me feel better, dammit?"

Regulus turned to him. "We agreed we wouldn't think about the war here, James. If you were this upset, you shouldn't have come." He said. "Talk like that could pull the dream into nightmare space."

"Were you there?" James asked softly, burying his head in his hands. "Did you help them kill Gideon and Fabian, Regulus? Please. "

Regulus fought against the dream space as it struggled to wrap him in the death eater cloak he had hanging in his closet. James's mind was too strong for him though. He just barely managed to rip off the mask before the other boy noticed. "No James." He said, kneeling in front of him. "I'm still a student. They don't send me out for things like that."

"Really?" James looked at him.

"James, I don't turn 17 for a month. I can't even apparate yet." Regulus gave him a weak smile. "Besides, for jobs like that I'd need to prove myself somehow. I'm pretty much a grunt at this point."

"Do you still believe in this, Regulus?"

Regulus stared back at him and took a deep breath. "I still think that we are better than Muggles, yes. I still think that we have to walk through the shadows to reach the sun, to take our proper place in the world, and that it won't be easy. It's a revolution, James. We are the shepherds of the magical world. I believe that. But..." He trailed off.

"But?" A hopeful glimmer appeared in James's eye.

"But...nothing. Life time of service or death, James. Second guessing will get me killed. Now PLEASE. There's a storm forming over the mountains and rattlesnakes have been popping up along the road around us. The dream is getting...you know. " Regulus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Can we PLEASE just go for a walk?"

_I want this to be real. I want the places we go and the things we do to actually exist. James, I'm so tired of all the good things in my life being dreams. I want to hold your hand and walk down a beach in real life. I want to rent a fancy hotel room and order room service and stay up all night drinking champagne with you. I want to walk down a dirt road in the mountains and for once not know where it will lead me. I want to see my brother again. I want there to be no war. I want you to kiss me when you're awake. I want things to be right. _

_ Things are so, so wrong right now. You have no idea. _

_ The darkness in me is growing. Everything is crumbling. I want you to save me, but I don't know how to tell you that. _

"Catch me." Regulus said and fell backwards out of the red oak and into James's arms. James was in a playful mood that day, refusing to put Regulus down after he caught him and laughing happily. It was a strained sort of laugh. Regulus could tell that underneath it, James was upset again. There had been another attack the night before. Two muggle born houses had burned in a village down south. But James was trying hard, for him.

"We both keep growing up so fast." James said, holding Regulus against his chest. "To think, you're 17 now. Legal at last." He tried to sound happy but the truth was 17 meant that Regulus was graduating soon, that he could apparate soon, that Regulus might move up in the ranks soon. Regulus might go from a hypothetical to a very real enemy very soon.

"Feel like less of a pervert now?" Regulus said, smirking at him dangerously. "You've been dream buggering your best friend's little brother for nearly two years now James. One more birthday doesn't make you less of a perv." He teased, keeping the conversation light, happy. It was his birthday, dammit, and he was going to enjoy it, regardless of it's implications.

James laughed, dropping Regulus on his feet and burying his fingers in the other boy's hair. "You're beautiful, Regulus." He whispered. "Your eyes burn."

Regulus snorted, his cheeks pink. "What a stupid thing to say, James. Honestly." James's rough fingers in his hair, on his scalp, slipping behind his ears made him feel weak in the knees. "You're dumb."

"I agree." The dream space rippled. The leaves on the trees bleached from green to red. Regulus turned, face to face with Severus Snape.

"Snivilus." James said, his eyes wide, dropping his hands to the side. "Reg, is this a joke?"

"Severus, what are you doing here?" Regulus hissed. He had gone dream walking with Severus a few times, but always, always under the understanding that Severus would be invited first. This was the real Severus though, no doubts. He was a real presence, not a distortion of the dream. "You forced your way into my dream?"

"You're dream walking with James Potter?" Severus demanded, grabbing Regulus's wrist. "I came because I wanted to talk to you and I find you dream walking with James Potter?"

"You can't just force your way into my dreams, Severus!" Regulus said. "We agreed you wouldn't do that."

"That was when I thought you were just dreaming about Potter. Not actually bringing him here." Severus spat, tightening his grip on Regulus's wrist. "He is an enemy." He hissed. "He nearly killed me, you know that."

"I saved your life!" James protested.

"Severus, get out of my dream." Regulus said coldly, ripping his arm away from the older boy. All his cheer was gone. He was back to the way he was at school, distant and aloof and in control. Underneath is his blood boiled. How dare Severus break into his dream, his private time with James. He put up with Severus's drama for years in school, listening to him cry and moan about Lily Bloody Evans, and Severus had the audacity to break into his dreams and judge him for his time with James? His patience was suddenly completely gone.

"No, we need to talk." Severus said. "And drop the high and mighty act." He snarled. "Bringing Potter here is dangerous."

"Then we will talk in the morning. Get out." Regulus replied, his eyes flashing dangerously. "When you have my permission."

"Make me. I could tell Lucius about this. Potter will be a class A priority by the end of the week. And you Regulus-" A threat. Severus was threatening him. That was the final straw. Severus was a half blooded whiny runt, and here he was threatening HIM, the heir to one of the last great wizarding families? Threatening James?

"GET OUT!" Regulus roared. Two lions, each more than waist high to Regulus, leaped out from behind the trees, growling at Snape. They walked to Regulus's side, saliva dripping from their teeth. "This is MY dream, and who I bring here and what I do is not your business, Severus Snape. Do not test me, and do not threaten me. If you want me dead, then tell Lucius. See if I care. But remember who in school would actually listen to you cry over Evans."

Severus stared at him, seething with rage. Finally he muttered "We will talk in the morning." and slipped away in smoke, giving one last dirty look at James.

Regulus sat on the ground still fuming, one of his lions laying it's head in his lap.

"Lions?" James said softly.

Regulus nodded, rubbing one of the cats behind the ear. "Regulus is the brightest star in the constellation Leo, right in the Lion's heart. Rather ironic name for the heir to the Black family, but there you have it. Though my parents were thinking of the Latin translation, Little King." He explained, smiling a little. "The Lions just sort of...find me, in my dreams if I need them. They're my patronus too."

"Your family is weird with names. Still, Regulus the Lion heart. I like it." James sat down next to him, petting the lions as well. "So...Snape."

Regulus groaned, leaning back against the larger lion, burying his hands in the cat's mane. "He's a friend James. He taught me how to do this, if you remember. I've gone dream walking with him a few times. I forgot he's also a nosy asshole who hates you."

"I didn't realize you two were so...close." James said.

Regulus snorted. "Who do you think he ran too when Evans and he had their fight to end all fights in 5th year? Or who he went to when my brother nearly killed him in 6th year? Who else do you think had the patience to deal with his drama?" He said and closed his eyes. "Severus won't rat me out. Who else would listen to him whine?" Regulus smirked at that, looking dangerous. "Now come here and kiss me. It's my birthday" He paused "...Please." His voice grew soft, like he was terrified James would say no.

_I can't sleep anymore, James. I try, and I try, but I just can't sleep unless I know you'll be there waiting. I'll go weeks and weeks, waiting for your owls, waiting to sleep. I lay in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, trying not to blink, trying to remember how to breath. The insomnia is horrifying. Every time I close my eyes I see his face, the face of the boy they've told me to kill. _

_ Snape, the traitor, told Lucius I needed to be tested, and so here I am. He didn't tell them why I needed to be tested, just that it had to be done. I have a month or two before they'll really push a time table on me, but I may die from insomnia by then anyway. The war is growing. There are more attacks each week, more people, on both sides, die every day. I find myself caught up in raids I'm not supposed to be at and all the while I'm supposed to be plotting murder. _

_ When the owls come lately, I can't even gather up the courage to answer them. I'm going to break soon, but I'm afraid. What am I going to do? I'm loosing my mind, James. I can't tell you. Why can't you see? I'm not that good at lying. _

Regulus was sitting on a white sand dune, the wind catching his hair. The gypsum sand spread out for miles and miles, oddly out of place in the high New Mexican desert.

"You know, it's a damn good thing you gave me that ring of yours Regulus. It's been nearly 6 months since you've answered an owl. Nice to know your avoiding me and not just dead in a ditch somewhere." James said, standing behind him, his hands balled into fists. "Now answer me."

Regulus was staring out over the sand expressionlessly. "We agreed not to talk about the war in the dream space, James. You know it's dangerous."

"Fuck that, Reg. Answer me. Frank and Alice both said they saw you in Diagon ally the night it burned. Five people are dead."

"I refuse to discuss that with you here." Regulus said softly. His heart was pounding. This was the first time he had slept at all in nearly a month, and deeply in nearly 6, and James was going to screw it up. He just wanted to lay in the white sand with James.

"Did you help kill them?" James snapped, gritting his teeth together. Regulus's heart rate picked up. "God dammit Regulus! It was Christmas eve!"

"James." He said softly and turned to look at him._ Please, James. Just let me be happy right now. I'm never happy any more._ He thought desperately.

"Did you help kill them?" He repeated, walking towards him. He reached down and grabbed Regulus's collar, hauling him up to face him. The dream space shook. Black began to seep into the sands, clouds rolling overhead. "Answer the fucking question, Regulus! Did you help kill those people?"

"I d-dont want to talk about that here, James The dream space-." He said softly, staring at his feet.

"I'm so sick of that damn excuse Regulus. Fuck the dream space. Just tell me the truth!"

"Then you should have just come to see me in the real world!" Regulus yelled, closing his eyes. " I can't fight with you here. Just drop it. Please."

"I need to know if you helped kill those people, Regulus." James said softly, pain twisting on his face. The dunes were solid black, the sky a cloudy mess. The dream space was slipping out of control, dangerously similar to the night Regulus had first gotten his Dark Mark. Fear welled inside him.

"James please." If they didn't stop he would loose control. Thunder boomed.

"Regulus just tell me." James pleaded.

"James." The sand around his feet was writhing. The edges of the dream were beginning to blur.

"Regulus-"

"No, ok! There wasn't even an attack planned." Regulus snapped, tears pooling in his eyes. "I was just meeting with Lucius there. He's going to have a kid I'm supposed to be it's God Father or something. Some Order members showed up and things got out of hand. None of it was supposed to happen." Tears rolled down his cheeks. "I didn't kill anyone, I swear." Regulus said, his hands balling up in the front of his own shirt, trying to keep the dream together.

James stared at him. It was the same look he had when Regulus had just been sorted into Slytherin. He had glanced across the Great Hall, at his brother, and James. And that was the look. "How can I believe you?" A whisper.

The last of the control shattered.

Regulus stumbled backward, the sand twisting around him. "Yesssss, Regulussss." A Hissing voice said. A cloaked figure rose out of the sand, running his hands into Regulus's hair. "How can he trusssst you? You are soooo full of secretsss."

James took a step back, his eyes wide. "Regulus...the dream..."

"Stop it." Regulus said weakly, closing his eyes.

"He doessssn't even know about your test." The figure said. "Doessssn't even know about the boy who have to kill. That'sss why you wouldn't write him back. You couldn't face him knowing you had to kill one of his precioussss little friends."

Regulus let out a sob.

"He's jusssst like Sirius. He'll ssseee you for what you really are. He'll see the ssstain on your soul. He'll hate you. Your fear, your weakness. You are broken and he'll never forgive you." The figure cooed, running his hands through Regulus's hair.

"I said stop." Regulus sobbed, pulling at his hair. Lightning crashed around them, dangerously close.

"Jussst think. When you kill him, Jamessss will never, ever look at you again. You're going to kill Remus Lupin, or you are going to die."

"I said STOP!" Regulus shouted. the lions burst from the sand and ripping the figure off of him. There was a hissing scream as the figure fell in ribbons on the sand. Blood stained the dunes.

"Regulus." James whispered, taking a step towards him. The lions turned and growled, baring their teeth at James, trying desperately to protect Regulus.

"We're in Carlsbad Cavern." Regulus said quickly. "I took you there before. The first time, with Sirius, remember? Help me, James. I...I..." He took a deep breath. "We're in Carlsbad Caverns, and there's low light from the floor and there's a huge pillar of stone they call the temple of the sun. And there's a drop off that leads to the lower caverns. Over a mile of uncharted cave, in eternal darkness." He muttered to himself, forcing the dream back under his control, forming the cavern around them.

James rushed forward and grabbed Regulus by the shoulders, his eyes searching for answers. "Regulus, you...you have to kill Remus?"

Regulus curled his fingers in James's shirt. "They say I have to be tested. To prove I'm loyal. They know...they know how my brother feels for him. The Dark Lord wants proof that I can betray my brother, kill the person he loves." Tears still ran down his face. "I can't sleep anymore James. All I can see is Lupin's face and how happy Sirius looks when he's near him."

"...what are you going to do?" James asked softly, his eyes wide.

"I don't know. But I...need to end the dream now, James. It's too unstable." The lions paced back and forth over the rocks, nervous. "Please just...try...try to trust me." He whispered and the dream ended.

_I am surrounded by the whispering dark. _

_ When I was younger I wanted to much, James. I didn't even know what I wanted. I just wanted __more. I wanted to go more places and see more people and feel more things. I wanted so much it hurt to breath, laying in bed wanting things I couldn't name. I wanted, and I felt that someday I would be able to reach out and have those unnameable things, if only I tried hard enough. I would give anything to feel that way again. Now I just want without hope. _

_ I am faced with a choice James. I can't pass my test. I can't rip my brother's feeble happiness away from him. I know things that I can't know, deep secrets and half guesses._

_ I'm glad you ate my heart, James, before it rotted out of my chest. I'll give you one last chance to save me. Please don't let me down._

James looked agitated, pacing the leaf littered forest floor. Regulus conceded that even without his charming smile, James Potter was stunning, and his only remaining hope. It had been 2 weeks since they had spoken, and while Remus Lupin was still alive, something felt broken between them. It ripped at Regulus's soul.

"You missed my birthday." Regulus said softly, sitting on a tree branch, watching squirrels.

"You sent an owl to Sirius." James said, looking over at him. "He burned the letter without reading it."

Regulus jumped out of his tree and kicked a rock hard, sending it flying across the clearing. "Because Sirius is a damn fool. That's not surprising." He muttered and looked back at James. "I figured he would though." He ran a hand through his hair. "James..."

"Reg, I need to know..." James started. His face looked so worn, like he was 10 years older than he was supposed to be. The distance between them felt immense.

"I can't kill Lupin." Regulus finished. "And when the Dark Lord realizes that, yes, he'll probably try to kill me. I have a few plans to avoid that though" He said. Regulus, the Lion Heart, trying to be brave, looked James in the eye and took a deep breath. "James...I need..." He stopped. It was too hard. He felt like he was laying bare his soul, the last of his hope, the only piece of himself not already consumed by the dark.

"James." Regulus started again, closing his eyes. "Remember...every time I saw you before I had my mark...you would ask me to run away with you?" He whispered, walking forward until he grabbed the front of James's shirt.

"Yes. You always said you wouldn't." James replied.

Regulus looked up at him, his eyes burning. "Run away with me." He said. "I...I need to get out of the country. Probably all of Europe. I can't go alone. I need you, Jamie." _I need you to save me. _

Panic flashed over James's face. "Regulus...why...why does it have to be me?" He asked, his hands grasping Regulus's arms. Regulus's heart twisted.

"Because James...I..."_ love you. I've never said it to you. But I love you. I'm just so afraid you won't say it back. _"Just say you will James. You always offered before."

"Regulus, Lily..." James said, as though trying to explain something that should be obvious.

"You've been cheating on her for years, James!" Regulus said, beginning to get desperate. " Who gives a crap?"

"Just in the dreams. You said it didn't count if it was in the dreams." James said as though he too felt like he was going to panic, like the thought of cheating on Lily for nearly four years terrified him. " It's...none of this is real Regulus. I can't just...damn."

"But...but..." _But I love you James._ "But I want it to be real." _You're my last hope. _"I...I need it to be real, James." I_f it's not real then I haven't seen you in two years, James. If it's not real then you haven't smiled at me since I was 11. If it's not real then what do I have left? Just a half-hearted plan to be a boy worthy of you, and a death I can't avoid. _Regulus fought the urge to start crying.

"Regulus..." James said, the pain thick in his voice. "Lily...Lily is pregnant. We're getting married. I was going to tell you last time but..."

Regulus took a step back, pushing himself away from James. "She's what?" _No, James. No, no...you can't have a family. _

"Pregnant. About 3 months." James said, his hands traveling to his hair, obviously trying to keep calm. "I can't run out on her Regulus. You...you have to understand." And Regulus did understand. He and James would not run away together. James was going to get married and there was nothing he could do about it. No amount of crying or begging would change that. James was far to noble. It was a lost cause.

"I...I'm sorry James." Regulus said softly, staring at his feet. "I guess...goodbye. Tell Sirius I say goodbye too."

"No, no, Regulus. There has to be some other way." James said. He was scared. "What are your other plans? I can help. Please, Reggie." Plan B; try to be someone worthy of James, try to be a boy Sirius would be proud to have as a brother, face his death as a hero. It wasn't the plan he wanted, but it was all that was left. Without James and Sirius's help his running wouldn't work anyway. They would find him no matter where he ran if he tried without help.

Regulus looked straight up at James, his eyes red. "I love you. Don't come looking for me."

_I thought you might come and try to find me, James. But you didn't. I guess that's a good thing. I know you can't abandon that damn Evans girl and her baby. You're far too noble for that. _

_So I'll face the whispering dark alone, and I'll try to prove just how lion hearted I am. _

Deep beneath Carlsbad caverns there's over a mile of uncharted caves and endless pools in the never ending whispering dark. Regulus could feel the icy water sliding into his lungs and somehow he knew that's where his dream had taken him.

_I'll never really see this place._

He'd fallen asleep once, pulled into the water by icy hands, unable to fight, watching as Kreacher disappeared without him just like he asked. Sometimes those he cared about were too good at listening to him.

_It's such a shame. _

He closed his eyes and waited to fall asleep, into a dream within a dream, knowing he would never again wake up.

_I bet it's prettier in real life. _

And so the darkness took him.

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

"He got most of the details right." James said, walking along the cave path. Sirius hadn't spoken yet.

It had been three days since Regulus's ring had turned black. Sirius didn't even ask James how he had gotten it. He just sat in his arm chair, holding his little brother's ring in his hand and cried. James had never seen Sirius cry like that before, curled up with sobs tearing out of his chest like an open wound, trying to choke out his brother's name. He wouldn't move until Remus pulled him to bed.

After two days of Sirius not speaking, James finally grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "We're going to Carlsbad." He said, taking the ring out of Sirius's hand. "We'll take this ring there and say good bye." Sirius had looked up and nodded mutely. He understood. They would take the last piece of Regulus they had to a place he always wanted to go, but never got to and there they would have to let him go. Neither of them would be able to face the war again until it was done.

James felt numb. He hadn't been able to cry for Regulus yet. The weight of his death, the guilt of it was too heavy. If only he knew how it had happened. If only he knew what Regulus's plan B had been, and how it had gone wrong, if it had at all.

They walked in silence, down into the caves until they reached the sink hole where a small plastic sign alerted them that below was the passage to the uncharted area of the caverns.

James handed Sirius the ring.

"Good bye, Little brother." Sirius whispered and dropped the ring into the whispering dark. He turned and began to walk away slowly, like a dead man trying to remember how to walk, leaving James alone by the railing.

James watched the ring sink, the black diamond slipping out of view. "I loved you." He closed his eyes. "Good bye, Reg."

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Oh my sweet merciful magical Merlin. I thought I'd never finish this chapter. I'm sure you noticed that it's about twice as long as the other two. Regulus is a bit long winded you see, and a lot had to happen in this chapter and I didn't want to have to split it up into 2.

But this is the end. Hope it wasn't too rough on you.


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